Dear Foolish Otouto
by unknownpoison
Summary: Being in the Akatsuki isn't always as exciting as it might seem. And it certainly isn't as fun as torturing Sasuke. So, Itachi decides to write to his dear foolish otouto./Hilarity ensures, yes/


**Ok, lately, for some reason, whenever I upload a file onto this site the words in the document sometimes get scrambled up. It's annoying and retarded, but I think I found all the mistakes. I might have missed some though, so if you see one tell me. K, thanks.**

* * *

Dear Foolish Otouto,

It's been a while since I destroyed everything you held dear. Besides that, how have you been? I've been doing just fine, in case you were wondering. After I massacred our clan I joined the Akatsuki. In case you don't know what that is, its an organization filled with rogue ninja who have way too much time on their hands, which is why I'm bored and writing to you now. The organization is pretty cool. We got these awesome uniforms; they're black with red clouds. I like how the red clouds really bring out the red in my Sharingan. You know, the Sharingan I used to kill mom and dad with. I wanted to get some red nail polish to accent my eyes even more, but the bottles weren't labeled and I accidentally got purple instead. Now my nails look all icky.

So, how is your miserable life going? I hope it sucks. Don't worry, it will make you stronger in the end. How old are you now? 10? 11? Something like that. Just to remind you, I was already a ninja at 7 and I had mastered the Sharingan at 8, yet you haven't even graduated from the academy. You have a long way to go, otouto. Don't get me wrong, I see how hard you're training. _(Yes, I do check up on you from time to time, you just don't know I'm there)_ You just aren't training hard enough.

Oh, by the way, I saw that picture you drew of me. You nailed it to a tree and threw shuriken at it. That was a little cold. And the drawing didn't even look like me. Maybe you should work on your art along with throwing shuriken, because you suck at both.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now.

Love,

Itachi

P.S. I have a partner in Akatsuki. His name is Kisame and he's a half shark, half man…thing. Kisame says "Hi".

* * *

Itachi,

_Why are you writing to me? _Haven't I suffered enough emotional anguish without you doing this?! Do you find it amusing to relentlessly torment me? Or are you really just that bored? _And you ask me how I've been?_

Yeah, I don't care where you are or what you've been up to.

You paint your nails? _Now your nails look "icky"? _Are you gay?

I'm 12, and I just graduated from ninja academy. You're an asshole_, _give me a break. My drawing wasn't that bad! Anyway, you're ugly, so I think I captured your image pretty well.

NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME THROW SHURIKEN IT WILL BE INTO THE BACK OF YOUR SKULL.

Sincerely,

Sasuke.

P.S. I don't care about your fish friend.

* * *

Dear Foolish Otouto,

Those are a some big words in that first paragraph. I'm somewhat impressed. Somewhat.

I'm a little surprised you actually replied to my letter. If its because you've still harbored some admiration for your older brother then I guess I haven't tortured you enough, so I've decided to continue writing to you.

I visited you again the other day. As always, you didn't notice my presence. I was watching your graduation. You are at the top of your class, I see. That's nice. But you still aren't nearly as good as I was at your age.

You seem to have a lot of girls after you, too. Honestly, I don't know what they see in you. You're just an emotionally fucked up little kid bent on revenge and destroying his last of kin. Plus, your hair is stupid. Do you model your hair that way on purpose, or do you just never comb it? And you use way too much hair gel. Seriously, I saw when some kid pushed you into the lake and you came out, your hair was exactly the same! It hadn't deflated with the weight of the water even a little. Have I taught you nothing? Oh well.

By the way, I'm not gay. Hey, that rhymed. That's funny. Wait, what was I going to say again? Oh, right! No wait, I forgot again. Never mind.

AND I'M NOT UGLY.

Love,

Itachi

P.S. You hurt Sushi-san's feelings.

P.P.S. Why do you write "Sincerely, Sasuke" instead of "Love, Sasuke"? I may of ruined your whole life, but I'm still your brother. There's no need to be so formal.

* * *

Itachi,

I'm 12, not stupid. I can use a respectable vocabulary. Plus, there's really no need for me to talk or act like a child anymore, since you've destroyed what childhood I had. I learned to be mature.

FUCK YOU!

I actually don't think you're gay anymore. I think you have ADD.

YES, YOU ARE UGLY!

Sasuke

P.S. Am I supposed to care?

P.P.S. Now I'm not even going to write "Sincerely". I'm just going to sign my name.

* * *

Dear Foolish Otouto,

I heard a new song. At first I thought it was annoying, but now I kind of like it. I don't know what its called or who its by but it reminds me of myself. Here, I enclosed a copy of it with this letter. You can listen to it and if you can, tell me what its called. I'm too lazy to find out for myself.

I'm not gay. Actually, I think you're the gay one. You never show any of those poor girls who worship you any attention, and you're always with that Naruto kid. Seriously, what's that all about?

I read somewhere that males who have a lot of problems with their father or have no father are 60 percent more likely to grow up to be either gay or homicidal. And look at us! You're in love with Naruto and I killed our whole family! Isn't science amazing?

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!

Love,

Itachi

P.S. You should care because now he's going to eat you.

P.P.S. If I can write "Love, Itachi" after my letters, you can do the same.

* * *

Itachi,

The song is Milkshake by Kelis. _You actually like that song? _How does it remind you of yourself?! After hearing that you like that song I have no doubt that you are gay.

I ignore those girls because they are ANNOYING. And I'm not in love with Naruto! I'm not always with him, and when I am I'm arguing with him because he's stupid and annoying and an idiot and…you know what? I don't need to explain anything to you!

Wow…that's all I have to say.

HOW AM I JEALOUS?

Love,

Itachi

P.S. Oh, I'm so scared. And that was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell.

P.P.S. There, I did what you said. I wrote "Love, Itachi" after my letter. Happy now?

* * *

Dear Foolish Otouto,

What was with that? Addressing "Itachi" and then signing with "Love, Itachi'? That wasn't what I meant and it was just confusing!

The song reminds me of myself because my milkshake _does _bring all the boys to the yard. I mean girls. Actually, it does bring some boys to the yard, too. Like Orochimaru. (Insert shudder)

Oh, that's right, I should probably tell you about Orochimaru. Undoubtedly, you'll meet up with him soon. You're in the Chuunin exams this year, aren't you? Did I mention I was an ANBU squad leader at the age of 13? And you're almost 13. You're so far behind. Anyway, about Orochimaru. You'll see him at the Chuunin exams. If he offers you candy, whatever you do, don't take it. It probably has roofies in it or something. And don't let him anywhere near your neck. It won't turn out well.

How cute! My brother has a crush! It's a little strange that your first crush is on a boy, but who am I to judge? By the way, is your boyfriend colorblind or something? He does know that he's wearing an _orange_ jumpsuit, right?Orange doesn't exactly camouflage well, no matter what your surroundings are. Unless your in a basket of oranges or something. But then the blue would stand out, so that wouldn't work either. Why orange and blue? I'm starting to wonder about your tastes, little brother.

You're jealous because _I _inherited mom's eyes. Just admit it.

Love,

Itachi

P.S. It's ok, I decided to keep him from eating you. If you get eaten, who's pain will I mock then?

P.P.S. Sign your letters with "Love, Sasuke". You know you want to.

P.P.S. …I want chocolate…

* * *

Itachi,

You know what? I'm going to find out where the return address on your letters is. You know what I'm going to do once I find it? I'M GONNA FREAKIN' KILL YOU!

I don't care about you're boyfriend Orochimaru. I can take care of myself.

I _don't _like Naruto!! And how should I know why his jumpsuit is orange? He's an idiot!

Well, one thing is for sure, that's not the only thing you inherited from mom. That's all I have to say about that.

Sasuke

P.S. You're a heartless bastard. Do you expect me to be grateful now?

P.P.S. No. You can't make me.

P.P.S. Um…ok?

* * *

Dear Foolish Otouto,

Something I forgot to mention. The return address is something I just made up. You won't be able to trace me through this letter at all. Did you really think I would be that careless? I'm not _that_ anxious to die.

That's just disgusting. Orochimaru only wishes he was my boyfriend. But then again, who _doesn't_ wish they were with me?

Oh, please little brother. I see the way you act around him. I'm sure I'm not the only one either. You never were very good at hiding your emotions. At least, not from me. Why are you getting so defensive anyway? He's a good catch. He might be colorblind, but that can be easily overlooked. You should try being nicer to him. He might think you don't like him back. _(Yes, he does like you. I know these things.)_ You'll never further your relationship if you keep putting him down all the time.

What exactly do you mean by that?

Love,

Itachi

P.S. Well, unless you _want_ to be devoured by a half shark, half man thing…

P.P.S. Oh, yes I can! Just you watch. Oh, and I think you should write "Dear Itachi" at the beginning of your letters also. That would be nice.

P.P.S. Seriously, I'm really craving chocolate right now.

* * *

Itachi,

I wondered why the address was in Canada…

Wait, then how do you get my letters?

Shut up, you're not even that pretty. I'm much hotter than you ever were at 13. Sure, I haven't finished puberty yet, but at least I'm not experiencing premature wrinkling.

Oh, really? Just how do I act in front of him? I treat him like dirt, I insult him all the time, I constantly remind him how much people love me and hate him. And he does the same to me. If that's not the pure essence of rivalry, I don't know what is. You're an idiot, he doesn't like me, he likes that pink bitch they call Sakura. I'm not sure why. I mean, if he thinks her hating him is painful, he doesn't want to know what having her like him is. Its much worse. Just about a month ago, I found out she's been sleeping in my closet for God knows how long so she can be closer to me. Even after I got a restraining order against her, I couldn't sleep soundly for 2 weeks.

Anyway, stop trying to give me stupid relationship advice. I'm straight and I'm not in love with Naruto. There will be no furthering of our relationship, I like it the way it is. Don't even talk to me about emotions. Emotions can go to hell for all I care.

Let's just say…you inherited many of her feminine characteristics.

Sasuke

P.S. No, I'm fine.

P.P.S. You can go to hell along with my emotions.

P.P.S. You want chocolate? Here's your damn chocolate. I mailed it with this letter. I hope it makes you fat.

* * *

Dear Foolish Otouto,

I have my ways…

That was a cheap shot, pointing out my wrinkles. You would have hurt my feelings if I had any. Your emotions went to hell? What a coincidence, so did mine. Actually, and this surprised me too, the ladies seem to really like the wrinkles. So there.

Haha! Did that actually happen? That's so funny! I'm telling everyone that story.

You say you don't love Naruto? Then how come when I came to get him the other day you ran through three towns to come to his rescue? Well, personally, I thought that was very sweet. Sorry I had to kick your ass in front of your love interest. Maybe that will teach you to put "Dear Itachi" and "Love, Sasuke" in your letters.

DID YOU HAVE THE CURSE MARK WHEN WE FOUGHT? What did I tell you about Orochimaru? Sure, he probably told you he wants to give you the power to defeat me, blah, blah, blah, and all that good stuff, but believe me when I tell you this: he's like Michael Jackson in disguise or something. He just wants an Uchiha's body because we're all like the naturally born supermodels of the ninja world. He came after me first and when I refused him he threw a fit. So, I ripped off his arm and then he left. I knew he was going to go after you _(Naturally, since he's not one to take defeat so easily and you're the only other Uchiha in the world)_which is why I warned you. And you're an idiot for ignoring my warning. Now he's going to rape you. I hope you regret not taking me seriously. If you don't now, you will. Oh, you will.

What does _that _mean?

Love,

Itachi

P.S. That's what I thought.

P.P.S. Hell isn't that bad. It's really quite pleasant, except for the smell.

P.P.S. You mailed me chocolate? That was unusually nice of you…Thanks!

* * *

Dear Itachi,

Guess what?

I LACED THAT CHOCOLATE WITH POTASSIUM CYANIDE! GO TO HELL!

Love,

Sasuke

* * *

Foolish Otouto,

What a pity it was that Kisame stole my chocolate before I even touched it and handed it out to the whole Akatsuki. I didn't so much as get a piece of it. Everyone else, however…well, you know. I'm pretty sore about that, in case you didn't catch that. I grew quite fond of our little band of outlaws…

In other words, you're so dead little brother.

Love,

Itachi

* * *

Dear Itachi,

……………………….Fuck……………………


End file.
